We all have an inner voice. For some of us, that inner voice isn’t always very nice. In the business world, that voice can become demanding or cruel, especially when facing failure or rejection. When the automatic response is to lash out at ourselves, it can be counterproductive, resulting in the kind of burnout or distress that makes it impossible to bounce back.
Most of us could use a healthier dose of self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as simply treating oneself with the same kindness, care, and support that one would give to a good friend experiencing a difficult time. You don’t have to let yourself off the hook for mistakes, but you should acknowledge the mistake without judgment.
Self-compassion can be a vital mental resource for business owners. Let’s take a closer look at the three pillars of self-compassion that can form a stable foundation for true wellbeing.
The Pillars of Self-Compassion
Neff identifies three essential components of self-compassion:
Pillar 1: Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
The most straightforward pillar states that when things go wrong, the practice of self-kindness means actively choosing to be warm, supportive, and understanding toward ourselves, rather than being cold and harshly critical.
While self-judgment says, “I’m so stupid for making that mistake,” self-kindness says, “I’m going through a hard time right now, and I need to give myself a break.”
The goal is to recognize that suffering is an inevitable part of being human, and we can give ourselves comfort.
Pillar 2: Common Humanity vs. Isolation
When we make mistakes, shame has a way of making us believe that we’re the only ones who have ever done so. This isolation amplifies pain and frustration.
Common humanity is the recognition that suffering, imperfection, and personal failure are part of the universal human experience. Every single one of us is flawed. We all make mistakes. We all experience pain. Our struggles don’t isolate us; they connect us.
Pillar 3: Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Mindfulness is the practice of observing our thoughts and emotions with clarity and balance. When we’re struggling, we tend to fall into two unhealthy extremes:
Over-identification: Getting swept away by painful feelings.
Avoidance: Suppressing, ignoring, or denying painful feelings.
Mindfulness means holding our pain in balanced awareness—neither ignoring it nor getting lost in it. Acknowledge the reality that “this hurts” without exaggerating the pain or suppressing it entirely. Finding balance helps us avoid getting stuck in a negative narrative.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem
Self-compassion is often confused or conflated with self-esteem. While both involve feeling good about oneself, they don’t really mean the same thing. Let’s take a closer look:
Feature
Self-Esteem
Self-Compassion
Foundation
Conditional: Based on success, performance, and external validation (being "better than average").
Unconditional: Based on inherent worth and acceptance of human imperfection.
Response to Failure
Collapse, shame, defensiveness, and attempts to blame others.
Stability, acceptance, and a desire to learn from the mistake without personal attack.
Focus
Evaluation (Am I good?)
Acceptance (Am I suffering?)
Result
Can lead to narcissism and unstable pride.
Leads to emotional resilience and personal growth.
Self-esteem is fragile because it depends on constant success. Self-compassion is resilient because it provides comfort and stability even when you’re not performing at your peak.
Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion
Developing a self-compassionate inner voice can have a range of powerful psychological benefits:
Increased resilience: Self-compassion enables you to recover more quickly from adversity. Because your self-worth isn’t tied to the outcome, you’re less devastated by failure and more willing to try again.
Reduced anxiety and depression: By mitigating the fear of failure and the judgment after setbacks, you can reduce the anxiety you feel about those things in the first place.
Stronger motivation: Studies show that when we’re self-compassionate, we’re more motivated to improve because we’re acting out of care rather than fear.
Better relationships: When we’re kind to ourselves, we’re less likely to project our self-criticism onto others. Self-compassionate people can be more empathetic, forgiving, and supportive in their relationships.
All in all, self-compassion can contribute to better mental health, which will put you in a better position to do your best work.
Practical Steps for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a skill that can be learned and strengthened through regular practice. Dr. Neff’s signature practice is the self-compassion break, which integrates all three pillars in a moment of reflection:
Mindfulness: Recognize the suffering. (“This is a moment of stress.”)
Common humanity: Connect to shared experience. (“Suffering is a part of life. I am not alone.”)
Self-kindness: Offer yourself comfort. (“I can be kind to myself.”)
The next time you make a mistake, notice how you speak to yourself. If you’re critical, consciously rephrase it into what you would say to a close friend in the same situation. Don’t be afraid to use physical gestures, such as crossing your arms over your chest, holding your own hand, or placing a warm hand on your cheek to calm your stress response.
FAQs
Self-pity involves getting lost in one’s own problems, exaggerating the suffering, and being all “woe is me.” Self-compassion requires mindful balance, which prevents isolation and rumination. It’s a grounded, balanced response to pain.
Research shows the opposite. Self-compassion provides an emotional safety net, making you more willing to take risks or make mistakes without shame. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to acknowledge mistakes without shame
Like any skill, it takes consistent effort. However, studies suggest it can take as little as one month of regular practice for people to start feeling the benefits of self-compassion.
Table of content
Share
